The best intentions can go sideways in spectacularly unpleasant ways, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It also doesn’t mean there’s anything “to do.”

Sometimes, it does seem like the world is this wild horse that you are attempting to ride gracefully into the sunset. Instead, it starts bucking and veering left and stopping abruptly to eat grass with no regard for your plans. You have no choice but to hold on and ride. But you do have the choice of being open to the ups and downs, or you can hate it. 

Sadly, getting off is not an option available to most of us. Not really. 

Sure, we could hide from the world or venture into remote mountains to acquaint ourselves with solitude, but unless you opt to divest from everyone you know and love or will ever know and love, you’ll still be tethered to daily life even if the thread is thin. This is a you-can-run-but-you-can’t-hide scenario.

The other option: Hold on, ride and be grateful.

I say this as someone reminding myself daily to enjoy this moment and the next and the next. It’s harder when the moment isn’t particularly pleasant. 

When I say enjoy, I don’t mean every moment will be joyful or that you have to be happy with or in every moment. For a good many, you will not find this possible and that is just fine. 

Recently, I was in the midst of an argument with someone I had just met. As I stared at their mouth moving rapidly, lips thinned with harsh words, I thought, “Well, isn’t it strange that they think they know me?” 

Then I had the thought, oh, this isn’t personal. This is not about me. And since it was someone that I suspected I wouldn’t have to interact with again, I let myself be grateful. I didn’t need to win this argument or explain myself. I could just be grateful or not.

I will admit that it took me a few minutes to recognize that this wasn’t personal and a few dozen minutes to feel gratitude. In the meantime, I went through an array of emotions: confusion, dismay, offense, annoyance and righteous indignation. In the end, I noticed that my horse stopped galloping and was traveling forward leisurely. I looked up and saw a beautiful sky. This was not personal. This was not a plot to ruin my life or my day. 

This was life happening in all its messy, gloriousness. I eased my grip on the reins and sauntered on. 

If you are thinking, “Okay, that’s well and good with a stranger, but what about in daily life with a co-worker, life partner, neighbor or family member?” The situation isn’t all that different, but your response surely won’t be the same as mine. 

In the midst of an argument or any heightened state it can be difficult to pause and consider a path to reconciliation. We are taught to win arguments. We are not taught to pause to consider why are we arguing. 

What sparked this argument and is that really what we are arguing about?

Is it really about the dishes, someone being late, a political belief, or is it about someone not feeling seen, understood or appreciated? Is this argument a reaction to past grievances? Or is this argument happening because someone got turned down for a promotion recently, was cut off in traffic earlier or is maybe a little hungry and cranky?

I can’t tell you what to do in those situations but I can suggest that you take notice whenever the thought comes to you that this argument isn’t personal. It might feel personal and hurtful, but if you can paus, even just for a moment, you might see and feel differently. You might not, but if you are always acting on autopilot, you’ll never know if there’s a different way, a different response … perhaps, a response that leaves you feeling more settled and less agitated.  

And full disclosure, I am not a horse rider, I think I was on a horse or pony twice in my life and both times I gripped its reins for dear life. So I have no idea why this analogy appealed to me today. 

Either way, it might be helpful for you. There’s really only one way to find out. Let me know if you try it.